"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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