Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
