i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
