I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
