So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
