My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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