i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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