I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
