Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
