I'm going to jail i love you
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
