forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
