if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
