I'm going to jail i love you
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
