The maid of honor just puked.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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