I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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