I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
