i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
