is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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