The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
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thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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