dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
