shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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