It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
