I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
