Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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