Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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