I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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