saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Your dad touched me again.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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