Got a toothbrush?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
