I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
