She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am naked and annoyed.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
