my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
