I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
