Please, let me fuck your mom
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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