There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
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I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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