It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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