hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
