it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
