just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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