Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
