You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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