I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
