I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
