I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
