Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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