Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
