my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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