my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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