Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
