How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
