um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
