we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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