They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
