She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
