my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
