he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
