I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
