It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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