I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
